remembering my first love

i had too much of this day. i had this day entirely filled by desperation, exhaustion, fear, and regrets. gawd. it felt like that every room i am getting into is getting bigger and bigger and i was getting smaller and smaller. and i can see my self helpless. and because of that i think, i am about to make the same mistake.. again. the examination i had was mind-bursting! i did not even had the slightest idea what to write in order to have the minimum point for every item. i should have not studied the night ago so that i cannot feel this bad. even inventing solutions is a pain in the ass. i lasted the three-hour-examination. i am tired, wasted, and i have no choice but to move on and study again for an examination that will take place after an hour for another subject. it was the only time that i can clearly define the word "stress".

but then, i still consider my self lucky today since i had my friends with me. we just laugh until the damage the examination brought us was fixed. i now moved on for the next half of the day. while we, my classmates and i, were waiting for our professor, we've cracked i.q tests here and there and so as riddles. it was a bit fun. no, it was really fun. the ambiance became happier when our professor entered the room and announced that the examination will be postponed and will resume on monday. then again, i thought of several activities that i consider to be my stress-reliefs. haha. so i guess, i had myself partly back in the track. i went home and felt these bad feelings again. it was made worse when i saw my mama. it is not because she's annoying to look at, it is just that i cannot tell her how painful the results of my summer classes will be. i do not know how to start a conversation about it nor i cannot even look at her because i will just feel guilty about it more and more each day. that's why i decided to just sit down and look blank. poker face indeed. until i just woke up and realized that i was so tired that i slept in the couch.

my ate and my sister was asking me in our dining table what happened to me. they were asking if something bad took place. i just answered in my mind: "you have no idea how bad it was." but then again, i told them nothing's wrong. i could not spoil their moods. and an hour later, we saw ourselves dressing up for a debut party that we will be attending to in the in coming week. we had a lot of fun. we wore clothes of different colors and with different shoes just to match which will give us our best look. it is the only event in this summer that i am excited about. more or less, i consider this summer a big hell of a crap. i was curling my ate's hair and i found it very pleasing. haha. i want to buy rollers tomorrow. i want to have that fab hair! we did a bit of talking. and poof! we've talked about my first love, rocky.

rocky and i have known each other for almost 7 years now. i have always loved him. maybe it is not as strong as it was seven years ago, but i still care for him. and that will be no matter what. he had been a real joy to me for the first four years i had him. never was a day that i failed to catch up on him. to be with him was the thing that makes my day so complete. gosh! haha. i remember how hard it was just to have him. i had written a five-page proposal just to convince mama that i want him that bad. and never will i fail to accomplish my target. that is to play rocky very well, to play my beloved guitar. and now, i could not even remember when was the last day i cleaned up rocky. not until today when my ate and mama said that they want to learn how to play the guitar. i just wonder about myself, about every one else. why do people feel so much emotion and then cannot even remember the feeling of how it was back at the time when they wanted and needed it so much. just like what i had for rocky.

people by nature are really emotional. i sometimes hate myself for not using my brain over my heart. for deciding things by emotional bases and not by intellectual premises. maybe it is the reason why the good Lord put the brain at a higher position over the heart because sometimes we need to use it first over anything else. but then, still, hearts have reasons that even reasons do not have. and nevertheless, feelings are just so magical. they can be really deceiving at times but a real help at other times. we, people can really choose to be rational or just go with the flow of emotions, which ever it is, whenever it is, i believe everything happens in the right place and at the best time.

today, just for today, i have really believed in blessings in disguise. and it was in the form of rocky. rocky made me realized that seven years ago, i wanted him so much. i loved him so much and i thought he will be the best thing that i will get. but then, things change through time. flowers fade. interests shift. and feelings grow that will help us see that there is more than what we have today. and if i feel so down today, maybe days or weeks or months or even years i will forget how bad this day may seem and how painful it is to face failure at the moment. after all, everything will be a part of a history. when some things are eternal so as with true love, some things also come to its rightful ends. and i suppose, it will be enough if i will say that i will be better than ever sooner or later (and i am forcing myself to believe right now, it's all in the mind). i am just so happy that i still have rocky with me. and with that, ROCKY still ROCKS! \m/

p.s: haha. anyway, why did i call him rocky? rocky, simply because i wanted to become a rock star and i think that a guitar will help me out. and there it goes, meet my rocky.

the SUPERWOMAN.

NAME: Joan Recto Baliza Natividad

BIRTHDAY: June 24, 1972

AGE: 37 years old

WEIGHT: never mind. (haha.. joke!)

HEIGHT: 5'3" (or lower.. haha)

EDUCATIONAL ATTAINMENT: college graduate. Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education.

WORK: Manager (kuyawa oi! haha)

HOBBIES: mountain climbing, biking, jogging, exercising, walking, shopping (if depressed. haha), working, thinking of problems, driving, studying, reading, playing (plants versus zombies), and especially.. nagging (ahahaha.. joke ulit!).

ATTEMPTED SCHOOLING:

>took LAW - stopped before the first semester ended. time-consuming. she will resume this as i graduate.

>took DRIVING LESSONS - finished! yihaa! very good driver.^^

>took BAKING LESSONS - excellent! love those days! cakes, cookies, pastries.. the best!

>took HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT - have i said it right? anyway, the idea's there. finished!

>took MBA - retook this because she didn't manage to pass her LAST thesis the first time she enrolled. by the second time, she stopped because she doesn't want the exam. haha!

AMBITION: to be happy and have her dreams-list done!

ROLE IN MY LIFE: mother, best friend, and my hero.

i am a day late for this blog. but let me have this tribute to my mama. happy mother's day. and i love you, oh yes i do. --,

meet my mama. i don't know how to start this. it just popped-out from my mind while i was washing the dishes to write something about her. but then, i guess i have to start from the very start. well, mama is the eldest among five children of my dadi loreto and mami julie. she grew with a lot of responsibilities since she took the role of being the eldest in the family. she was also a typical girl who loves to play and have fun as well. she had her education taken seriously since she was financed by a family-friend to have her schooling. very lucky to be the favorite of my dadi's employer. she took her elementary education at the school where i also finished my pre-school, it's a chinese school. she always brags about her having the first honor whether in the basic subjects or in the chinese subjects. very brilliant, indeed. taking her secondary education was no sweat for my mama. i believe she really is very smart. graduating from the first section of their batch, mama paved her way in the university where i also would like to finish my education.

she enrolled at the fisheries college by the first time she set her foot at the university. she said that it was the very popular choice by then since the city is really popular for the tuna it supplies all over the country. i just laugh about this choice of hers. but then, all of a sudden her life has to take 180 degrees flip when she had me at a time when she shouldn't have me. i remember her speech at my debut party, she said: "i had nikki when i was at her age...... lalala... but then, i guess, she's my sweetest mistake after all." just as i heard those lines, i can't help my tears to fall down. imagine you being the sweetest mistake. gawd! it just flatters my heart away. it's like how can i be so wrong when it feels so right for her. but having me, as she said, was the biggest adjustment she had. at an age of 18, oh oh oh... she has to take care of me, think where she can find my milk, food, clothing, how will she raise me up, how will she stand the wrong move she made, and how to keep a marriage strong with my papa. i couldn't just imagine those scenarios. it's very hard to believe what an 18-year-old has to live. i pity my mama. i pity her because she had not experienced the things that i, when i was 18, had experienced. when at those times, she should have been thinking about the latest trends, about her dreams, about hanging out with her friends and just laugh all the way. i could not fathom how brave my mama is.

but as i grow up under the jurisdiction of my mama (haha!), it was (maybe) a tough one for her, especially when i was in high school. (haha!) i remember our quarrels. i hate my self for those times. when we fight, she always asks me how come i grow to be a rebel. perhaps, it's really normal for the growth of every individual. we fight over the small things, just like when she does not permit me to go out with my fiends or to let me join class hang-outs. tsk. i remember hating her for that. i was too young to understand. i was so young to consider her fear of losing me, the idea of having the history repeats itself, and the thought of goons taking me to hell. but now, i do understand. how will she feel so calm to have a precious daughter like me?! ( ahahahaha:)) ) i once talked to her. i asked her why every time i step out the door, why is she always thinking that i can be kidnapped, hurt, get into accidents, be a part of the bombing victims. she just gave me that smirk and said: "'cause i'm the mother, and you're just my child. you have no choice but to follow". i guess, that's the exceptional power of all mothers, they happen to think for the worst but at the end, they all still hope for the best of their children.

i grew with a lot of restrictions and rules. i was always jealous to every other girls of my age when they do those things that i want to do. maybe i missed many things by this time, but mama never leaves something any less for me. she always tries to give me the best. to give everything i would like to have. to provide my needs and even my wants. once, there was someone who said that fate was favorable to me since i have my mother and the people and the things that surrounds me. she might not give me the perfect things in life, but she always give me things in a perfect-version of her. i may be stubborn, stroppy, hard-headed but one thing is for sure, the word perfect best describes the acceptance and love that mama has for me.

luckily, as the days of my existence is counting, i grew tired for fighting my ever-believed-i-deserve-things. we fight, but not as big as before where she tells me that i should go away and live on my own since i always say that i know how to handle my self. crazy. (haha!) just a month ago, i laugh my self to sleep thinking of what happen that night. i cried to death because i had my eyes sored. i was half-blind. i could not see things clearly. mama ran to my side and stayed for me for a while and assured me that it will be fine. hmm.. i may be getting into the real age, but still, i always caught my self at the side of my mama seeking for her security and touch after all. uncomparably, nobody does it better than my mama.

more than a mother, she is also my father, and the best friend i could ever have. mama is a version of ten strong men combined. a super hero that holds lots of lives because of her work. the captain of the family. and undeniably, the best mother in the whole wide galaxy. i am very proud of her and i just love her for that.