rainbow

***found this aged yellow paper beneath my bags. haha.. happy reading innocent minds!

Joie Nicole B. Natividad - BSMEn I

English 1 (TFr / 02:30 - 04:00)

August 24, 2007

Life is not as simple as pronouncing it nor a thought from a kid after receiving a lollipop or a penny. Life has its ups and downs, hellos and goodbyes, thickness and thinness, brightness and darkness, tears and laughters. But then, the way we approach life is the way we get it. As said by many: "Life is what we make it."

I have come to realize that not all things will happen in the way we planned it. But still, we need to live, not only for ourselves, but indeed for everyone. Pains, problems, trials in life are normal. Maybe we could see these as curses or burdens, but in the end, we could even thank these challenges for coming into our lives because the courage and the strength we have right now, we do owe all of these to the challenges we had. Sometimes we cannot understand why all of these are happening after realizing the fact that all we want to achieve is the fullness of life. But, would we really be happy if the fullness of life we achieved was just like a snap from our fingers? I believe, no. For the real sweet taste of victory is felt after seeing yourself happy as your sweat is drying.

Instead of thinking about the toughness of life as we go through a storm, why not enjoy the idea that this was given by the Lord because He believes that we are strong enough to surpass this storm and this can also be a way to mold us to become better individuals? We need not to be sorry nor be cynical about the idea of life because we can never nor nobody can tell what life has to offer for each and everyone of us, but of course, except the Lord.

When we are hanging with lost hopes and you see yourself in the abyss of emptiness, just look around. You can see a million of reasons to smile and still manage to love life. Fight challenges in life for victory awaits. Even in your coldest nights there would still be a bright and sunshiny day ahead. Love. Fight. Live. As my favorite line in the song says, "...there's a rainbow always after the rain."

***and to be exact, this was written to reflect about a song titled Rainbow by the Southborder. I don't know why our professor loved that song. Haha. anyway, i enjoyed this. It seems i'm talking a lot but didn't understand what was what. haha. spooky mind!

remembering my first love

i had too much of this day. i had this day entirely filled by desperation, exhaustion, fear, and regrets. gawd. it felt like that every room i am getting into is getting bigger and bigger and i was getting smaller and smaller. and i can see my self helpless. and because of that i think, i am about to make the same mistake.. again. the examination i had was mind-bursting! i did not even had the slightest idea what to write in order to have the minimum point for every item. i should have not studied the night ago so that i cannot feel this bad. even inventing solutions is a pain in the ass. i lasted the three-hour-examination. i am tired, wasted, and i have no choice but to move on and study again for an examination that will take place after an hour for another subject. it was the only time that i can clearly define the word "stress".

but then, i still consider my self lucky today since i had my friends with me. we just laugh until the damage the examination brought us was fixed. i now moved on for the next half of the day. while we, my classmates and i, were waiting for our professor, we've cracked i.q tests here and there and so as riddles. it was a bit fun. no, it was really fun. the ambiance became happier when our professor entered the room and announced that the examination will be postponed and will resume on monday. then again, i thought of several activities that i consider to be my stress-reliefs. haha. so i guess, i had myself partly back in the track. i went home and felt these bad feelings again. it was made worse when i saw my mama. it is not because she's annoying to look at, it is just that i cannot tell her how painful the results of my summer classes will be. i do not know how to start a conversation about it nor i cannot even look at her because i will just feel guilty about it more and more each day. that's why i decided to just sit down and look blank. poker face indeed. until i just woke up and realized that i was so tired that i slept in the couch.

my ate and my sister was asking me in our dining table what happened to me. they were asking if something bad took place. i just answered in my mind: "you have no idea how bad it was." but then again, i told them nothing's wrong. i could not spoil their moods. and an hour later, we saw ourselves dressing up for a debut party that we will be attending to in the in coming week. we had a lot of fun. we wore clothes of different colors and with different shoes just to match which will give us our best look. it is the only event in this summer that i am excited about. more or less, i consider this summer a big hell of a crap. i was curling my ate's hair and i found it very pleasing. haha. i want to buy rollers tomorrow. i want to have that fab hair! we did a bit of talking. and poof! we've talked about my first love, rocky.

rocky and i have known each other for almost 7 years now. i have always loved him. maybe it is not as strong as it was seven years ago, but i still care for him. and that will be no matter what. he had been a real joy to me for the first four years i had him. never was a day that i failed to catch up on him. to be with him was the thing that makes my day so complete. gosh! haha. i remember how hard it was just to have him. i had written a five-page proposal just to convince mama that i want him that bad. and never will i fail to accomplish my target. that is to play rocky very well, to play my beloved guitar. and now, i could not even remember when was the last day i cleaned up rocky. not until today when my ate and mama said that they want to learn how to play the guitar. i just wonder about myself, about every one else. why do people feel so much emotion and then cannot even remember the feeling of how it was back at the time when they wanted and needed it so much. just like what i had for rocky.

people by nature are really emotional. i sometimes hate myself for not using my brain over my heart. for deciding things by emotional bases and not by intellectual premises. maybe it is the reason why the good Lord put the brain at a higher position over the heart because sometimes we need to use it first over anything else. but then, still, hearts have reasons that even reasons do not have. and nevertheless, feelings are just so magical. they can be really deceiving at times but a real help at other times. we, people can really choose to be rational or just go with the flow of emotions, which ever it is, whenever it is, i believe everything happens in the right place and at the best time.

today, just for today, i have really believed in blessings in disguise. and it was in the form of rocky. rocky made me realized that seven years ago, i wanted him so much. i loved him so much and i thought he will be the best thing that i will get. but then, things change through time. flowers fade. interests shift. and feelings grow that will help us see that there is more than what we have today. and if i feel so down today, maybe days or weeks or months or even years i will forget how bad this day may seem and how painful it is to face failure at the moment. after all, everything will be a part of a history. when some things are eternal so as with true love, some things also come to its rightful ends. and i suppose, it will be enough if i will say that i will be better than ever sooner or later (and i am forcing myself to believe right now, it's all in the mind). i am just so happy that i still have rocky with me. and with that, ROCKY still ROCKS! \m/

p.s: haha. anyway, why did i call him rocky? rocky, simply because i wanted to become a rock star and i think that a guitar will help me out. and there it goes, meet my rocky.

the SUPERWOMAN.

NAME: Joan Recto Baliza Natividad

BIRTHDAY: June 24, 1972

AGE: 37 years old

WEIGHT: never mind. (haha.. joke!)

HEIGHT: 5'3" (or lower.. haha)

EDUCATIONAL ATTAINMENT: college graduate. Bachelor of Science in Elementary Education.

WORK: Manager (kuyawa oi! haha)

HOBBIES: mountain climbing, biking, jogging, exercising, walking, shopping (if depressed. haha), working, thinking of problems, driving, studying, reading, playing (plants versus zombies), and especially.. nagging (ahahaha.. joke ulit!).

ATTEMPTED SCHOOLING:

>took LAW - stopped before the first semester ended. time-consuming. she will resume this as i graduate.

>took DRIVING LESSONS - finished! yihaa! very good driver.^^

>took BAKING LESSONS - excellent! love those days! cakes, cookies, pastries.. the best!

>took HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT - have i said it right? anyway, the idea's there. finished!

>took MBA - retook this because she didn't manage to pass her LAST thesis the first time she enrolled. by the second time, she stopped because she doesn't want the exam. haha!

AMBITION: to be happy and have her dreams-list done!

ROLE IN MY LIFE: mother, best friend, and my hero.

i am a day late for this blog. but let me have this tribute to my mama. happy mother's day. and i love you, oh yes i do. --,

meet my mama. i don't know how to start this. it just popped-out from my mind while i was washing the dishes to write something about her. but then, i guess i have to start from the very start. well, mama is the eldest among five children of my dadi loreto and mami julie. she grew with a lot of responsibilities since she took the role of being the eldest in the family. she was also a typical girl who loves to play and have fun as well. she had her education taken seriously since she was financed by a family-friend to have her schooling. very lucky to be the favorite of my dadi's employer. she took her elementary education at the school where i also finished my pre-school, it's a chinese school. she always brags about her having the first honor whether in the basic subjects or in the chinese subjects. very brilliant, indeed. taking her secondary education was no sweat for my mama. i believe she really is very smart. graduating from the first section of their batch, mama paved her way in the university where i also would like to finish my education.

she enrolled at the fisheries college by the first time she set her foot at the university. she said that it was the very popular choice by then since the city is really popular for the tuna it supplies all over the country. i just laugh about this choice of hers. but then, all of a sudden her life has to take 180 degrees flip when she had me at a time when she shouldn't have me. i remember her speech at my debut party, she said: "i had nikki when i was at her age...... lalala... but then, i guess, she's my sweetest mistake after all." just as i heard those lines, i can't help my tears to fall down. imagine you being the sweetest mistake. gawd! it just flatters my heart away. it's like how can i be so wrong when it feels so right for her. but having me, as she said, was the biggest adjustment she had. at an age of 18, oh oh oh... she has to take care of me, think where she can find my milk, food, clothing, how will she raise me up, how will she stand the wrong move she made, and how to keep a marriage strong with my papa. i couldn't just imagine those scenarios. it's very hard to believe what an 18-year-old has to live. i pity my mama. i pity her because she had not experienced the things that i, when i was 18, had experienced. when at those times, she should have been thinking about the latest trends, about her dreams, about hanging out with her friends and just laugh all the way. i could not fathom how brave my mama is.

but as i grow up under the jurisdiction of my mama (haha!), it was (maybe) a tough one for her, especially when i was in high school. (haha!) i remember our quarrels. i hate my self for those times. when we fight, she always asks me how come i grow to be a rebel. perhaps, it's really normal for the growth of every individual. we fight over the small things, just like when she does not permit me to go out with my fiends or to let me join class hang-outs. tsk. i remember hating her for that. i was too young to understand. i was so young to consider her fear of losing me, the idea of having the history repeats itself, and the thought of goons taking me to hell. but now, i do understand. how will she feel so calm to have a precious daughter like me?! ( ahahahaha:)) ) i once talked to her. i asked her why every time i step out the door, why is she always thinking that i can be kidnapped, hurt, get into accidents, be a part of the bombing victims. she just gave me that smirk and said: "'cause i'm the mother, and you're just my child. you have no choice but to follow". i guess, that's the exceptional power of all mothers, they happen to think for the worst but at the end, they all still hope for the best of their children.

i grew with a lot of restrictions and rules. i was always jealous to every other girls of my age when they do those things that i want to do. maybe i missed many things by this time, but mama never leaves something any less for me. she always tries to give me the best. to give everything i would like to have. to provide my needs and even my wants. once, there was someone who said that fate was favorable to me since i have my mother and the people and the things that surrounds me. she might not give me the perfect things in life, but she always give me things in a perfect-version of her. i may be stubborn, stroppy, hard-headed but one thing is for sure, the word perfect best describes the acceptance and love that mama has for me.

luckily, as the days of my existence is counting, i grew tired for fighting my ever-believed-i-deserve-things. we fight, but not as big as before where she tells me that i should go away and live on my own since i always say that i know how to handle my self. crazy. (haha!) just a month ago, i laugh my self to sleep thinking of what happen that night. i cried to death because i had my eyes sored. i was half-blind. i could not see things clearly. mama ran to my side and stayed for me for a while and assured me that it will be fine. hmm.. i may be getting into the real age, but still, i always caught my self at the side of my mama seeking for her security and touch after all. uncomparably, nobody does it better than my mama.

more than a mother, she is also my father, and the best friend i could ever have. mama is a version of ten strong men combined. a super hero that holds lots of lives because of her work. the captain of the family. and undeniably, the best mother in the whole wide galaxy. i am very proud of her and i just love her for that.

from ZERO to HERO.

they say i'm brave, i'm tough, i'm strong. and yes, i am. too brave that i cannot let my self be humbled down and tries to prove that i need no one except for those people who keeps me breathing. too tough that i can act that i don't need anyone's accompaniment. and too strong to hide of what's real and show what's needed to be shown (just like the SOP... a standard operating procedure).

i tend to believe that there's really no difference between REAL strong and PLAYING strong. it is because with those different ways, one cannot differentiate which is which. very well said, very much true. but do we know what happens to the one playing strong? and the one who is really strong? first, the one who's really strong does not need any reason to be strong because the personality itself is strong enough and the one who is playing gets a hard time looking for reasons why it needs to be strong (lucky enough if it can gather a thousand reasons for a minute of getting strong). second, the one who's really strong does not have any expiration at all. thus, the one who's playing the character can get low and get back to the zero again. but despite of all the differences, both see each other at an intersection. both see and live the tale of the-strong-shall-live-and-the-weak-shall-die.

sometimes i caught my self in a deep-thinking scenario. i was always thinking if maybe, if possible, if someone will let me choose and will let me live my choice, will i choose to be the strongest or the weakest. i know most of the people will choose being the strongest, OF COURSE. what a piece of a crap question you got there, dude! but, i think if i'll choose for my self, i would choose to be the weakest. surprisingly, pathetically true! it's not that i choose that to be different, it's just that i think there's something good about it. go ahead and check my wickedness!

when you are the weakest, you got only two things for you. a ROOM and a PATH. but before anything else, what is being weak? well... for me, when you are called to be the weakest, you are not capable of doing things great (it necessarily don't have to be great, but at least something good or just satisfying somehow), unworthy for anything, and very much not competitive enough to live a life a human should least accomplish. and with that, it goes to say that you being the weakest is actually also you being the worst. so what's a weakest and the worst person has got? yeah, as said he has a room and a path. a ROOM, it's actually a room for improvements. yes, really. it has a sign on its door saying: "only improvements allowed!" nice, isn't it? precisely the point, only improvements. it is because when you are the weakest and the worst you have no single chance of getting worse anymore because you are the WORST and you have no a chance of getting weaker because you are the weakest, remember? next, a PATH. since you are bound to stay at the lowest point that no one would dare to go, you only have a path that leads to only one direction... and it's only getting UP (index finger pointing up! just like number 1). you can no longer go to any lower points because you are at your lowest spot. just to end my backfire, when you are the weakest, you get the chance to be better and just better and just be really, really better and be someone's inspiration, perhaps.

it's like one of the american idol's judges, simon cowell said: "from ZERO to HERO". and a sad and alarming truth, the strongest can get to have the chance to be: "from HERO to ZERO".

...so much for this!

hit that? which one?

sometimes you just wish that you can just disappear at the very moment when you reach your boiling point. whether it'll be with due respect to anger or exhaustion.

it is always good to know that when you are about to do a task, you know that it will be worth it. worth your time, worth your effort, everything worth working for. but i do not know with this time. it makes me now think if i really get to have this chance to achieve one of my dreams someday. unfortunately, exhaustion brings me to the thought that i am not made for this. i now think that i really am really really idealistic, and i think there's nothing wrong with it... way back then. but now, i just do not get it. it is really fine to dream and hope to hit it big. that's the norm, that's every other people think, that's human nature. but i think, when we idealize to have something, to do something for ourselves, we should also think if that will be realistic enough for our spots here below the heavens. it maybe thought that if it's something that we are to have and to hold or is it something to be just for our eyes. but sometimes, even though we know that it is not for us, we tend to fight for what we want, what we believe we deserve, and what we believe is meant for us. but, how do we know if it's really for us? how do we know when to fight and when to let go?

anyway, i am just tired. hahaha.. never mind! sweet dreams to all. may this blog be one of those fleeting memories of yours. and i know it is. nyahaha:p

kcab-ot-kcab!

time has really its own way of sweetening one's memory, and mine might be the perfect illusion.

i don't know. i really don't. i'm just laughing all the way reading my old blogs. (hahaha!) it seemed like it's from ages and ages that i haven't been writing in this blog of mine. i laugh in the way i scribble my thoughts way back then. (hahaha) i laugh by the way i think like the world's getting into its last breath. i laugh because i thought i couldn't surpass those(char!). i laugh because i felt like i was dying at the moment i was writing but luckily, i'm still alive (haha!). to have a look at my self now, i am really better than ever. --,

2009 was the weirdest year of my life SO FAR. there were these first time moments i will be remembering forever. things which made me laugh, frown, burst into tears, drive me insane, and things which made me see the other side of how the planet revolves. it made me knew my self more, my capabilities, my strength, my limitations, my capacity. it's like i was down and then i was up. like i was nothing then suddenly, i was something. and like i was going to give up but then poof! i was so much driven again. a very weird feeling which i can't really express nor find the exact words and its sequence to make it clear to you guys (hahaha). weird weird weird. but nonetheless, it was great. and no, i don't think i had them wasted.

memories are indeed one of the miraculous thing i can ever imagine. i just wonder how they are stored and how they will last. it's something mind-boggling, isn't it? haha! anyway, it's really good to know that things right now aren't as cynical as i was thinking last year. and i do conclude, it's really us who make it happen. it's like when we want the present, we want it to be permanent, no opening of doors for other possibilities, and it should be just the way it is, the original. but the truth is, there's really no such thing as permanent (except for God, of course). maybe.. (it's not maybe.. it's certainly..) certainly, by the time we're in a scene which let us feel like everything is falling apart, we are like losing all our energy and really watch everything to fall apart. and we'll be all messed up thinking on how to make those things back in its original position then. everything will change even how much you want it to stay as it is. even how careful you will put those things back on where it was once. it wouldn't be the same. and we just have to deal with it, we can stay with it or leave it, but at the end, we still all have to live with it.

holding the present wouldn't much of a help for we can't move forward if we'll just stay at the same spot for the rest of our lives. and being afraid of what tomorrow or the future might bring is really normal. i think we just have to prepare our selves, prepared enough for a change, for the betterment of everything. much had really happened, and i believe there's more to happen. so we'll just seat back and relax on how things will evolve including our very selves. 2010 is just another year and another time we'll be looking forward to.

may we all have another time of our lives!^^